Your pattern is rooted in
low self-worth and unconscious fears.
You've taken the quiz and discovered the possible root cause of your repetitive pattern. Now you might be wondering why did you develop this pattern and more importantly what to do about it. On this page you will find few possible explanations plus tips and tools you can start using to begin your healing journey of breaking free of your unhelpful patterns.
Somewhere along the way, either due to your upbringing or early experiences you have acquired a set of beliefs about your unworthiness and lack of safety. They were formed as a result of messaging you received from people around you, and now they are entrenched in your subconscious mind dictating your behavior.
We acquire limiting beliefs through a family of origin (the family unit you grew up in), early romantic relationships, friendships, or the school environment, and then we play them out in the future because we have been conditioned to do so on a deep subconscious level.
- Maybe growing up you have not received care, guidance, and attention you needed and deserved.
- Perhaps when you were young, you felt rejected by others which was damaging to your sense of self.
- Maybe you have a history of abuse which resulted in perpetual feelings of shame and guilt.
- You grew up in a chaotic and unpredictable environment, which influenced your sense of safety and security.
- You felt excessively criticized, and that impacted your self-worth
Even just one of those experiences would create an underlying belief of unworthiness and not being good enough, which then manifests in different ways in your adult life. For example unconsciously self-sabotaging yourself or having recurring experiences where when things start going well for you, you get sick, lose money, or something unexpected happens which undermines all your efforts.
Those feelings of undeserving are so ingrained that even if the negative events are external and seem completely outside of your control, it’s your subconscious mind gripping to its limiting beliefs that's attracting all those negative circumstances into your life. It's happening because ultimately those events are confirming and validatating your feelings of unworthiness.
I want you to remember, you can eliminate patterned behavior, increase your self-worth and live the life you were meant to live.
You are here, it means you are ready for change.
Read on and learn how to turn things around.
You are more than your past conditioning. It's time to unwind the natural potential you were born with out of your unconscious.
If something is always stopping you from taking action, fear might be a big player in your inner world. It can be a fear of learning that if you take a risk, you are going to fail and confirm your deap-seated suspicion that you are just not good enough. A fear of failure or rejection might also come into play. And the ultimate - the fear of change.
If you repeatedly let opportunities pass you by it's because deep down you don't feel good enough. Not taking action is a self-protection mechanism. It keeps you safe because failing would prove once again that you are unworthy which would recreate the original pain. By not going after your goals and dreams you are avoiding this pain.
If you are on a constant self-improvement track, consuming more and more information, but not implementing it, ask yourself whether you had to be perfect as a child in order to gain approval or affection. Low self-worth often leads to perfectionism. And perfectionism leads to paralyzing overwhelm.
The reasons why:
Your repetitive experiences are symptoms of something deeper. The problem is often we don't realize what is causing the "symptoms." We don't have any idea it might be connected to an unresolved emotional experience. The key is to identify the experience that initiated the pattern. Then we can transform it, so it's no longer blocking you on a deep subconscious level.
As children we need to learn how to function in a society and we quickly learn that some emotions and behaviors are unacceptable or at least unwelcome. As a result, we repress and reject certain parts of ourselves. For example, a person who suppresses ambition becomes apathetic, someone who disconnects from anger lacks motivation or person who represses courage becomes overly fearful. Just because we reject something it doesn't make it go away; it just hides from our conscious awareness. And then we wonder why we can't muster the courage to go after our dreams, or why we always end up self-sabotaging ourselves when an exciting opportunity presents itself.
Another factor contributing to low self-worth which keeps you stuck in a repetition cycle, is a fierce internal critic. The self-critical inner monologue is especially toxic if you unconsciously identify with it and follow its directions. The inner critic is nothing else than the internalized opinions of others we received during our formative years which we are now repeating to ourselves. It's crucial to gain awareness and distance from that voice so you can disarm it.
Why You Can’t Outsmart Your Behavior Patterns And What To Do Instead:
First you need to disengage from your inner critic.
Practice 1 - Embrace your inner critic
This exercise will allow you to distance yourself from your inner critic and deal with your fear of not being good enough.
We often identify with the self-critical monolog to the point where it's hard to separate it from who we truly are. You are not your inner critic, and your inner critic is not the entirety of who you are. Creating an image of your inner critic will allow you to gain necessary distance from it. It will help you not only to disengage from its voice but also learn what message it has for you.
It's important we don't reject our inner critic because it's making us pay attention to something that needs to change. If we ignore it, we are missing out on an important message from our unconscious.
Here are step-by-step instructions:
Prepare art materials such as felt markers and pencil crayons, magazines to cut up, glue stick, scissors, etc. Also get some pen and paper ready.
- Set the space. It's helpful having instrumental music on to set the mood. I suggest you avoid to listening to music with lyrics because it will engage your left brain and it's not what we want. Feel free to light up some candles or use incense or aromatherapy. Do what feels right to you.
- Close your eyes, take few deep breaths. Then think about something that makes you very self-critical. Maybe there is something you've been beating yourself over, so get in touch with that feeling. Sense into this feeling and identify where it resides in your body. When you have a good sense where that feeling is move on to the next part.
- Now reach out for your art materials and without overthinking, spontaneously start tearing out magazine images you are attracted to. If you decide to draw, select colors you are intuitively drawn to and start making scribbles and lines on paper and then fill them with color. It's an intuitive exercise so don't censor yourself.
- Collage or draw what your inner critic might look like. If it had a color, what color would it be? If it had a shape or texture what would it be? It doesn't matter if you make your inner critic look like a person. So don't attempt to create a human figure, unless of course, it feels natural. What you want is to create a metaphoric representation of your inner critic. It might be a shape, it might be a collage of random pictures. If it looks like a black blob, so be it. If it's a bunch of spiky red lines, it's ok. Just go with the flow.
- Once it feels like your image is complete, take few deep breaths, look at your image and really take it in. Meditate on it for a few minutes and then get ready to journal answers to self-exploration questions.
- You can ask some of those questions and just start free writing answers. I recommend handwriting because it activates a different part of your brain than typing and connects you with your intuition. Even if the answers don't make sense to you, just keep recording them. Ask the following questions of the image you created:
- Why are you here? - Where did you come from? - What do you need from me? - What are you trying to protect me from? - What message do you have for me?-
I hope this exercise provided relief and shifted some things for you. If you have any questions regarding this activity feel free to contact me, I will be happy to provide additional guidance.
Practice 2- Rewire negative views of yourself
If you tend to rebuke compliments or praise, receiving from others might be hard for you due to diminished self-worth. This practice will teach you how to accept the goodness that others see in you and as a result increase your self-esteem. The trick is to bypass your critical, rational mind by getting into meditative state. Also from the neuroscience perspective, when you see someone looking at you with love and acceptance, mirror neurons in your brain create a sense of goodness within you that the other person is seeing.
This exercise was adapted from Linda Graham's book "Bouncing Back- Rewiring your brain for maximum resilience and well-being"
- Go ahead and find a quiet space in which to perform this guided visualization. Sit down and close your eyes. Focus on your breath and allow yourself to relax. Notice how you are feeling towards yourself. Uneasy? Judgmental? Just notice the feeling and accept it for what it is.
- Then when you are ready bring to mind and image of someone who you know loves you unconditionally. It can be a person, a historical or spiritual figure or your pet. Pets are actually the best :)
- Imagine yourself sitting with this person face-to-face. Picture them looking at you with love and tenderness. Feel into this love and imagine taking it in with your whole being. Allow yourself to bask in that feeling.
- Now imagine yourself being that other person, and see yourself through their eyes. Feel that person's goodness being directed at you. See in yourself the goodness that the other person sees in you.
- Now come back to you again. You are in your own body again taking in the love and acceptance this other person is sending to you. Take it deeply into your being. Feel it in your body. Stay with this feeling for as long as you wish. Then open your eyes and reflect on this experience. If you repeat this exercise you will rewire your neural pathways and change the view you have of yourself.
Practice 3 - UNCOVER YOUR STRENGTHS
Knowing your strengths is imperative in increasing self-confidence.
I recommend taking Values in Action (VIA) Survey of Character Strengths, which is available at www. authentichappiness.org. It was developed by the founding fathers of Positive Psychology Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman.
They discovered that applying one's strengths in daily life creates a significant and lasting boost of positivity.
After taking the survey and identifying your natural strengths and values, ask yourself, "How can I apply my strengths so I can effortlessly and fluidly start executing on my plans, goals, and ideas?"
What Happens Next - Free Mini Course Is On Its Way.
In 24 hours time, I’ll email you a free 5-Day Mini-Course.
It isn’t your average life-coaching exercise. It’s highly unlikely you’ve tried this little-known technique before.
This course will guide you through the step-by-step process of releasing and transforming painful emotions, so instead of blocking you and keeping you stuck in a repetition cycle they will become your ally and a guide.
For the next five days, you’ll need to set aside 30 minutes to complete a simple task. And within just a few days you you’ll be able to understand your beliefs and emotional patterns from a completely new perspective.